The Hidden Struggle of Mothers Not Using their Voice
Have you ever caught yourself biting your tongue instead of saying what you really think? Do you find yourself downplaying your own needs or opinions to keep the peace—whether at home, in friendships, or even at work? If so, you’re not alone. Many mothers experience a phenomenon called self-silencing, a deeply ingrained behavior that starts early in life and intensifies with motherhood.
What is Self-Silencing?
Self-silencing is the idea that girls (beginning in their early teens) and women suppress their own identities, feelings, and emotions in order to develop and maintain relationships—prioritizing being agreeable over being authentic.
Dana Jack, Professor of Psychology at Western Washington University and a pioneer in self-silencing research, explains that women tend to suppress their emotions and thoughts to avoid conflict or disapproval. However, while they outwardly maintain harmony, “inner feelings grow angry and resentful.”
Research has also linked self-silencing to higher rates of depression and emotional disconnection in women (Mamarising.net).
For mothers, this self-silencing can become even more pronounced as societal expectations reinforce the idea that a ‘good mother’ is selfless, always available, and prioritizes everyone else’s needs before her own.
How Motherhood Amplifies Self-Silencing
When women enter motherhood, the tendency to self-silence can become second nature. Why?
The Pressure to Be a ‘Good Mother’ – The belief that good mothers are endlessly patient, kind, and self-sacrificing makes it difficult to express frustration, exhaustion, or even personal desires. We dont want to admit that anything other than complete devotion to our babies is our reality.
Fear of Judgment – Many mothers feel like they need to ‘have it all together’ and avoid voicing struggles so that they are not seen as failing. And when nobody is sharing any real struggles, it makes mothers feel worse- because it seems like everyone else has their s*** together. It's like a real life version of Instagram, where everyone only ever shares the best moments.
Changes in Relationship Dynamics – Whether in marriages, friendships, or even professional life, many women feel like they’ve lost their voice, as their identity shifts to primarily being “mum.” They lose confidence and imposter syndrome kicks in in a big way. They suddenly feel out of place on a night out, unsure of how to be seen as "sexy" by their partner & as if they have fallen behind in the skills department in the workplace.
But here’s the catch—self-silencing doesn’t actually maintain harmony. Instead, it leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional disconnection from ourselves and those around us.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Find Your Voice Again
If you’ve been self-silencing, it’s not too late to reclaim your voice. Here are some steps to start breaking the habit:
Recognize It – Pay attention to the moments when you hold back from expressing your true thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself, Why am I not speaking up right now?
Challenge the ‘Agreeable’ Narrative – Being agreeable isn’t the same as being authentic. Challenge the idea that your needs or opinions aren’t as important as others.
Practice Small Acts of Expression – Start with small steps, like voicing a preference (e.g., “I’d rather go to this restaurant”) or sharing an honest thought with a friend or partner.
Reframe Conflict as Connection – Expressing yourself isn’t about creating conflict; it’s about deepening understanding and connection in your relationships and for who you are as a person.
Seek Support – Working with a coach or therapist can help unravel deep-seated self-silencing patterns and create space for healthy self-expression.
The Power of Speaking Up
Reclaiming your voice doesn’t mean you have to be loud or forceful. Im not saying go in and quit your job or start a fight with your partner—it means allowing yourself to be seen and heard in as YOU are. As you truly are.
When you stop self-silencing, you not only honor yourself but also set an example for your children, to do the same. Imagine raising a generation where women & men don’t feel the need to shrink themselves to fit in.
Self Silencing is something that I have personally struggled with. As a lifelomg "People Pleaser" its only very recently that I have recognised what is happening, and realised that I owe it to myself & my children to stop wasting my time trying to make everyine else happy - and to take control of what I truly want.
If this resonates with you, let’s talk. Coaching can help you break free from self-silencing, navigate motherhood with confidence, and embrace the power of your own voice. Drop me a message to say hi today :)
Louise x
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