Having a baby often comes with a whirlwind of emotions. When you are preparing for your little one, most of us envision a big love bubble filled with you, your partner & your beautiful bouncing baby. All wearing matching outfits and smiling from ear to ear. The reality can be pretty far away from that picture and can leave you feeling estranged, lonely and completely separate from the person that previously lit up your world. One unexpected stage that many couples face after welcoming their child is the “roommate phase.” This term describes the emotional distance and logistical partnership that can develop in a relationship as you juggle the complexities of parenting. If you are feeling like you are just on another planet from your other half, don't worry - you aren't alone. And certainly don't call the divorce lawyer just yet.... there is a way through. Let's explore what this phase means, why it occurs, and, importantly, how to overcome these challenges and thrive.
Understanding the Roommate Phase
The “roommate phase” happens when partners feel more like cohabiting friends than romantic partners. Days filled with nappy changes, feeding schedules, and countless sleepless nights transform your relationship into a routine-focused existence. Instead of nurturing love and affection, it may feel like you are merely sharing responsibilities. You are passing the baby and coexisting under the same roof but conversations about anything apart from the baby just seem unimaginable. It may feel like a constant competition of who is doing the most, who is more tired or working harder. It can feel like your partner just doesn't see you. These feelings can build up and push you away from each other, causing you to genuinely feel like roommates.
The reality is that relationships do change following the arrival of a baby. As with everything in your world, it twists and turns and takes on a different form. It's up to you to try to work with that new form and find a way of loving it as it is now.
With the arrival of a child, women change their focus. That little baby has a pretty big impression on mama, and physiologically - baby is now the centre of mamas world. Mum knows best - as the saying goes. But with mum knowing what's best for baby all the time, this can leave the second care giver feeling left out, unwanted & useless. You might hear this referred to as Maternal gatekeeping.
With everything to consider it's no wonder that feeling like your relationship has disappeared after the arrival of a baby is such a common occurrence. So why doesn't anyone tell us?! Why aren't we prepared for this so we know what's happening and don't assume our relationship is done and dusted?!
For example, a study found that 67% of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction after having a child. So recognizing that this phase is common can help reduce feelings of guilt and failure- let's talk about it people!!
The Reasons Behind the Distance
Several factors contribute to the emergence of the roommate phase in parental relationships:
Fatigue: Sleep deprivation can feel relentless. Studies show that new parents lose around 40% of normal sleep, making emotional connections challenging at best.
Loss of Intimacy: Physical and emotional closeness may be sidelined as the focus shifts to caring for your newborn, and if you are co-sleeping; taking you from 2 in a bed to 3 or more if you have older children or twins! Not exactly the best setting for romance. Add in point 1, the crippling tiredness and being intimate with yur partner becomes the last thing on your mind. One UK survey indicated that nearly 70% of couples experience reduced intimacy during the first year of parenthood.
Increased Stress: Financial worries and parenting duties can lead to conflicts, pulling partners away from one another. A survey revealed that about 50% of couples believe financial strain leads to arguments. And if your household has gone from two full time wage earners to 1, with an extra mouth to feed, the pressure of that is a lot!
Shifts in Priorities: Your focus naturally shifts to your child’s needs, making it easy for your relationship to take a back seat. And maternal gatekeeping can make everyone feel the resentment. Mum feels like she's doing it all, but she won't let anyone else take over, because she thinks its easier for her to do it herself, or some women feel that others are incapable of caring for little one as they would....so anyone else feels shut out.
Understanding these factors can help couples take proactive steps to reignite passion and connection.
Strategies to Rekindle Your Relationship
While the roommate phase can make you feel like throwing in the towel, practical steps can help you navigate this time and get back to loving each other again.
1. Open Communication
Try to be honest. It can be really difficult to say how you really feel sometimes - especially if you feel like you might hurt or even just annoy the other person. But this is the first step toward creating a new way of being together that works for you now. Discuss your experiences together, and hopefully you will feel empathy and mutual understanding. This isn't a quick one-off fix. Its important to keep regular check-ins to express your feelings honestly and lovingly, keeping both partners connected.
2. Time Together
Finding time for each other is crucial. Everything you read tells you to schedule a date night. To make sure to put in a night where you can go for dinner together... I agree, maybe it would help, except that when you have a child - especially a small baby, who has time or energy to go out on a date? When you get to the restaurant all you can think about is coming home. I think it's important to re-frame "date nights". They can be as simple as watching an episode of a series at home when baby is finally asleep. Or sharing a walk together. Or even starting a new hobby/ sport together. The reality is it depends on the age of your children as to how much time you might be able to dedicate to this - but whether it's a night away or a half hour "Netflix & Chill" the point is to be together consciously. To connect and talk about your lives. What's happening outside of the house, what are your wants and hopes, have they changed? Who are you now as a parent? What is important to you? Check in with eachother and really listen to what the other has to say.
A survey found about 80% of couples believe that having date nights strengthens their relationship, giving both partners something to look forward to.
3. Rediscover Intimacy
When I say "intimacy" I mean emotional as well as physical affection. Take your opportunities for physical connection or sharing quiet moments. I'm not saying you have to have a wild steamy night of sex (although if you are up to it then go for it!) Simple gestures like a hug or holding hands can build closeness and remind you of the love that brought you together. Start with the small touches and connections (even eye contact when you are discussing the days to-do list) and it will soon build up the want for closeness with each other.
4. Lean on Each Other
Support is crucial in this phase. Collaborate as a team instead of working in isolation. Share parenting responsibilities and emotional burdens by discussing worries and celebrating victories together. In fact, by sharing each experience together and voicing what you've been through during the day - it will often provide an opportunity to laugh together. Once you share something that might have felt like the end of the world at the time, it often takes away the heaviness and often provides something to smile at.
Respect each others parenting styles and pick up the parts that the other finds difficult. When one is finding the day a challenge - try to recognize the signs and take the reigns.
5. Recognize that this is a phase
Recognizing that this phase is temporary can help to know you'll be moving past it soon. Stick with it. If you can push through and find your way back to one another - your relationship will be stronger than ever.
Seeking Support Outside the Partnership
If you are really in the trenches with this and you feel like you need some help navigating the roommate phase, check out these ideas...
1. Parenting Classes
Consider attending parenting workshops or support groups. These environments foster connections with other new parents facing similar challenges. Knowing you are not alone in your experiences can lighten the emotional load.
2. Professional Counseling
Seeking help from a therapist specializing in relationships or parenting can be valuable. They can offer tailored strategies and insights to break down communication barriers and rekindle your emotional bond.
Making Time for Self-Care
A healthy relationship often stems from individual well-being. I can't tell you enough the importance of self care. If you feel fulfilled personally you will naturally shine brighter and feel more positive. Ever heard the saying Happy Wife Happy Life? Theres something in it for sure!
Self care doesn't have to be a spa weekend away (although I wouldn't turn that down at this point). If you are in the early phases of motherhood, self care might look like sitting down and drinking a cup of tea while the baby sleeps. It might be whacking on face mask while you hang out the washing. If you have the luxury of a little more time maybe a run or a visit to the gym, a lie in or an early night so you can read a book. A nice bath and some soft music or a podcast. You get the picture. Whatever it looks like for you (and your partner!) Make time for yourself and allow your partner time to do the same.
Heres some tips on how to benefit from self care as a couple:
1. Set Boundaries
Establish agreements on personal time, allowing both partners to recharge. Clear boundaries can prevent feelings of resentment and burnout, ensuring you both come back to the relationship invigorated.
2. Compromise
Parenting demands adaptability and compromise. If one partner needs alone time while the other seeks connection, work together to balance these needs. Finding a middle ground benefits both partners and the relationship.
Moving Forward Together
Facing the roommate phase after having kids is a common challenge for many couples. To round up, Acknowledging this phase is the first step toward overcoming it. Prioritize open communication and quality time, and seek support where needed. Remember, this phase does not have to define your relationship. With dedication and effort, you can turn this challenging period into a growth opportunity, building stronger connections between you and your partner, and creating a well-rounded & happy home for your kids to grow up in.
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